This has been a week to try and forget. I wish that I had an assistant like Anne Rice has in her Beckett, to write for me when I find myself in a position where I cannot. I had anticipated writing quite a bit this week. I was house sitting for a friend and to help keep their animals feeling like they had not been abandoned I was spending my nights at their house and returning to my own in the morning to sleep with my own pets and spend time with them. When I am at home at night I generally get quite a bit of writing done, including this blog, but I had not been off work for more than six hours before I started to feel under the weather. So instead of getting anything done, I spent my nights in an unfamiliar home curled up in a fetal position watching television. This went on for three days. Then as if it weren't bad enough, despite our best efforts, one of my friend's pets passed away while in my care. She returned home to find her pet dead in her cage. And even as I sit here watching my two favorite football teams battle it out and writing this blog, I am still feeling poorly. But not so poorly that my brain is in a fog.
So yesterday I was sitting in my chair and I had a moment of deja vu. I wasn't doing anything, I was just sitting here contemplating what I was going to write next. My laptop was in my lap, I had the file of my new book open to the page that I had been pecking on. And suddenly, there it was, I could see what was going to happen next. I could hear my own thoughts, those that I hadn't thought yet. When the feeling was over and the deja vu had run its course, I began to wonder, what is deja vu? I know in the Matrix movies they explain it as a glitch in the system. That is a fun little explanation, but there is no way that it can be true. I wasn't moving, well except for my fingers, it was almost completely in my thoughts. That cannot be a glitch.
So what is it? Is it our own prescience showing? Are we seeing ahead of ourselves upon occasion? Is that even possible? That's the question isn't it? I suppose that the question that bothers me about this is, why. Why would we use such an ability to see ahead to nothing? It's not like deja vu ever gives us a preview of something important. I mean, why cant it show us something ahead of time, not just before it happens. Deja vu always happens just seconds before something happens, not five minutes or even one. It's not like you have a chance to change things. Its not like the movies Final Destination where we are given an entire series of events and time to change those events.
I have tried to change the outcome of a deja vu moment. I was successful on I think two occasions. Oddly my victory felt wrong. It was as if I had done something wrong. So now I don't try to change anything, I just ride it out. Still, I wonder, what are they? They don't seem to hold anything that is of any importance but, are they bits of events that make huge differences in out lives? Or does the deja vu event itself have some kind of significance? So are we meant to try and change the outcome or are we simply meant to watch helplessly?
I guess I'm just stuck with wondering. It must mean something, but I have no idea what it could be. It's a horrible feeling not knowing something and not even having an idea.... it's maddening! Usually I can find some reason for something, but deja vu... that one baffles me completely. Now that it's on my mind, I think that I will take the time to research it, as I must go to work tonight although if I could stay home, I would. I should have some time to do a little research at work. I'll get back to you tomorrow with what I find.
Live well and be good to each other.