Attack of the Zombie Turkey
Teresa M Shafer - For books that kindle thought and ignite the imagination!
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Attack of the Zombie Turkey

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday time with their families and friends. I personally had a blast! I actually ate three separate meals, all of which had their bonuses. But, the meal with my family was by far the most bazar holiday that I have had in quite a while. But let me start at the beginning...
When I arrived at my sister's house I was immediately conscripted into helping with the meal, which was not yet done. The turkey had been in the oven for 4 hours, it should have been done, but it was not. Despite the fact that the bird was still raw in the middle for some reason my sister and young nephew were trying to extricate the bird from the oven. They had run into a snag because they had used one of those cheap aluminum pans that once full will defy all attempts to lift and still retain their shape. In other words when they tried to lift the bird the pan folded in the middle and threatened to upend the half baked bird onto the floor. I stepped in and suggested that they slide a cookie sheet under the aluminum and then lift it using the cookie sheet. This worked like a charm and in no time the bird was happily cooling on the stove top. Minutes later my sister wondered what we were going to do... the bird was not done. This was the first that I had heard of it and immediately regretted helping them pull it from the oven. Needless to say I then helped them put the darn thing back.
However before I did that I syphoned the juice from the pan and started the gravy. The sweet potatoes and extra stuffing also made it into the oven before the door was once again closed. Meanwhile, the cheesecake that I had brought was being devoured by the nephew and my niece Cindy... the one that wrote My Life in a Nutshell. Apparently they were hungry. They manage to scarf down a few pieces before another niece, Melissa shows up with her daughter Annabelle. Then comes Cindy's boyfriend. When he gets home he decides that the dogs need to go outside. He had sequestered two large pit bulls, a Jack Russell, a smaller terrier and a Chihuahua in their bedroom. So, one at a time they let the dogs out... yes it was just like the song. Apparently they don't like my sisters Chihuahua and the fight was on, but not before they all decided that I was the new and most interesting lap in the room. I had my face cleaned several times before the dogs all found themselves outside.  I didn't mind, they were loveable beasties.
With the dogs now safely outside, I finish the gravy. We have turkey and ham gravy. Then I peak in the oven and find the little plastic pop up that's in the bird has popped, the bird is now cooked. So, I pull out the stuffing and the sweet potatoes and put them aside. I leave them covered because the bird needs to brown. Done or not, that pale white flesh is just unappetizing. I slide the entire rack out far enough to remove the foil from over the bird. I turn my head and ask Cindy to pass me the baster and before I know it something hot and wet is sliding down my leg. The Turkey had slid off of the wrack and was literally sliding down my leg like some giant hot turd. The nasty white skin is pealing like a nightmare sunburn and the juice has completely soaked my jeans. The side of my knee is beginning to burn. But, I don't flinch. There may still be a way to save this bird.
Cindy is watching from the sink along with Melissa who had been standing on the other side of the kitchen. You could have heard a pin drop, because oddly enough a living dead turkey that is trying to escape its fate makes no noise as it silently slithers down my leg to rest partially on my show and partially on the floor. The only sound it makes is when it finally comes to a sickening stop is a bit of a squish sound as the wings drop off onto the floor beside the body. You can't claim that it's not done at this point.
My calf is now beginning to burn along with my knee, so I gingerly pull my pants away from my leg and let them continue to drip turkey juice. At this point I can only thank God that I had already taken most of the juice out of the pan as the puddle beneath my own feet is fairly large and growing. I can only imagine what it would have looked like with the quart of juice that was thickening in the pot on the stove.
What did we do with the Zombie turkey that tried so valiantly to escape, even after he was cooked? Well, in true red neck fashion we picked the bird up and plopped him onto a cookie sheet. All the parts that actually touched the floor were still on the floor, lucky turn of events that was... yes Melissa rinsed the rascal off and then sent it to the table for trimming. What can you do? I brought the dogs in to clean up the mess. They were so grateful that they planted their turkey juice soaked paws on my shirt to give me another kiss before finishing the mess. Oh to teach a dog to clean his feet before doing that.... well we all can't be cats.
When it was all said and done and we were sitting around the table eating, no I don't like turkey anyway so I didn't have but a sliver of it, my sister leaned over and said, "I guess I should have warned you that my stove isn't level." All I could do was nod and say, "Yeah, that bit of knowledge might have come in handy."
Ahh, my life is always an adventure. I told the story to a friend today. Knowing as he does about my many mishaps through the years, he asked me how I had managed to survive. He further went on to tell me that if I ever find my vagina, not to play with it because I would break the poor thing... hmm now that's an interesting mind picture.
So... how was your Thanksgiving again?
Live well and be good to each other.
P.S. Tomorrow I'll tell you what Cindy did later that day that trumped my turkey leg incident.

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