Over the last year I have been reflecting upon the people that I have met in my life. Now I don't know about you but when I start thinking of people I send out a small prayer for them as I generally have no idea why they have suddenly come to mind. But in this instance, I was actually thinking of several people that I had once had romantic relationships with. I still sent up prayers for their good health but more than that, I began to wonder what had become of them, and of course I also re-examined our relationship and began to regret some of the mistakes that I had made. I wondered if certain ones of them bore me ill will because of my actions and actually in some cases began to silently send out apologies.
Then one day I took my sister to a spine specialist here in town. I was sitting with my nephew in the waiting room while my sister spoke to her doctor, when a woman approached us. She said, "Teresa, is that you?" Well of course I said, "Yes" without thinking (it could have been a creditor looking to serve me or some other oddity) I did not recognize her, until I read her name tag. She worked at the office. This woman, who looked a great deal differently 20 years ago, was the sister of one of my old flames.
I hugged her and we began to chat. As it turned out my old love had passed on some 12 months previous from the weak heart that I never really believed that they had. It was a slap in my face when she told me how it had gone down. I had mixed feelings. I was happy that they had passed in their sleep, but found that I was very unhappy that we had left things the way that we had. I found it interesting that the sister had not been told any bad things about me, if she had she would have attacked me, not hugged me. She was, and still is a very emotional woman.
So for many months I have carried this information around in my heart and mind. I felt like a heal. Then one day I was at a retirement party and I ran into a different old flame. We have been hanging out with each other ever since. Our problem was never that we didn't get along, my problem was their love affair with alcohol, but that has been solved. Anyway, we were in the grocery store shopping when the other old flame came up. After a short discussion, I realized that the person that I had dated and felt so much guilt for had been a bit of a cad and had in fact lied to me from day one of our relationship. I had been targeted and used and all of the boo hooing when I broke it off had been a show for me to make me feel guilty. It had been some kind of macho act.
I can't tell you how shocked and in some ways quite relieved that I was when I found all of this out. Now mind you my friend never actually said any of this, we talked and they told me stories about the other person and what they had done together.... I put two and two together.
Meanwhile, later in the conversation... my friend said, "I was a dog when we were together, for that I'm really sorry. I cheated on you and when you found out I got mad at you. I've had to live with that guilt for 20 years." I of course forgave immediately, not because I really felt that it was necessary for me, as I had forgotten about it, but obviously they had carried a heavy weight for 20 years, the least that I could do was relieve them of it. I had actually felt a bit guilty about how abruptly I had called our relationship off and carried that weight for 20 years, and of course my friend had no idea why I had left.
These are but two examples of the interesting closures that I have had recently. I find it odd that I have carried guilt and pain around for years concerning several people and not one of them ever had a clue that I felt that I had wronged them. In fact in most cases they carried a similar feeling about some perceived slight towards me.
What an enormous waste for us all. To feel pain of any kind when thinking of someone that you once cared so much for is just a waste. I am determined now to make sure that all of these slights are repaired so that there is no hindrance for anyone's peace of mind or soul.
So now that my arm is healed and my wrist is finally on the mend (had to see the chiropractor to put it all back in place today) I can get back to writing. I have been doing a lot of research recently. I'm writing a family tree book and it is taking a lot of time. Who knew it was so time consuming?
I have finished putting all of the Xena stories on the site and am trying to place links on the front page. My server is not cooperating. But when it is done I will announce it.
Things are moving right along in the department of new pictures for the cook book. It will soon be ready to publish again. I'm thinking of asking my Graphic Artist friend to make the cover for me.
Anyway, I've got all new alien questions, a few ancient ancestor questions and lots of religious theory that I am bringing your way so stay tuned. In the meantime check out my free chapters on the home page and eBooks that are available.
Thanks for being patient with me and remember to live well and be good to each other.